I used to feel like I did my best writing when things were hard. Right now I’m waiting for that to happen again.
These days it just seems to take so much extra effort. I can’t just let the words flow. I have to think twice before I can get the words out. I have to make sure I’m being appropriate. I hear that normal bloggers do this all the time, but I’ve never really been a normal blogger. I like living openly and honestly. And it’s particularly hard because I feel like writing about this stuff is important and I want to do it right.
How do I talk about things without being cryptic? How do I talk about a relationship when I’m only half of it and I sometimes feel like there’s whole parts of it I don’t understand?
I don’t have the answers yet.
And worse, there’s one big foreboding question which is quickly becoming the biggest concern.
Within a couple of days we will have two apartments. We will live separately. And we haven’t told Graham yet.
I did a little bit of googling and didn’t get much helpful advice. Be honest, all the advice says. Tell them it isn’t their fault. This is not so much my concern. What I worry about is that he won’t understand us.
The concept of feelings being hurt is one he’s still learning. (I think he still thinks getting your feelings hurt is a physical hurt.) The idea of fighting or arguing is foreign to him. He doesn’t really know what marriage is or that his parents chose a loving commitment together.
Hopefully once he understands the logistics and that we’ll be taking turns staying with him at the house, he won’t worry so much about the why. He doesn’t see us spending a lot of time together. He has seen us argue, although he doesn’t like it when we talk to each other, even if we’re having a pleasant conversation. (He prefers to be in the center of the spotlight. E and I have had to communicate via chat and email even when in the same room.)
In a way I guess it’s easier because he won’t understand. But I’m not sure that will shield him from hurt or sadness. If he’s anything like me, not understanding will only make it seem stranger and scarier. For now I can just hope that he accepts it as just another hiccup, the way he was unquestioning and perfectly happy about us going out of state for a month last year.
He will still have school and he’ll still have me waiting for the bus with him and picking him up off of it. He’ll still have plenty of time with his dad. Both of us will be there for soccer. And we’re talking about having dinner together once a week. He will stay in the same house and sleep in the same bed. The idea is to make things as easy for him as possible. That part doesn’t worry me so much.
I hope he can understand a little bit. And I hope he doesn’t understand. I just hope he’s as happy as we can make him, as untroubled and innocent as a 3-year-old should be.