Currently viewing the tag: "Bug"
It looks like the big brother regression has finally come.
We were so impressed with Graham’s initial reaction to Tessa. When we brought her home from the hospital he went through his things, pulled out the baby toys and set them gently on her lap in the carseat.
He still does really well when he interacts with her. He likes to touch her head, her shirt, her hands, her feet. He doesn’t mind when she cries. This morning he came over to us and said, “Hi Tessa! I’m Grammer!”
The problem isn’t about Tessa directly, it’s about what all toddlers want: attention.
It started with episodes where Graham would act out by going nonverbal. He would point, grunt and maybe repeat a single word, but otherwise wouldn’t communicate.
We’ve been working on mealtimes and it seems that Graham responds best to the carrot approach rather than the stick. So he gets a treat when he finishes his dinner. This still means that dinner is often a very very long affair as Graham tries to extend it as long as possible. (It doesn’t help that he’s cute. He takes one bite of a cucumber slice, leaving it in the shape of a half-circle, and declares it a “rainbow!”)
But that delaying has now turned into no eating at all. For example, yesterday he had a waffle to eat and instead of eating it he just repeated “EAT” over and over again. He’s also started to pull this at snack time. When I ask him what he wants for snack he simply says “SNACK.” This can escalate into a full-on tantrum.
I discussed it with his therapists yesterday and we hypothesized that it was about gaining my attention. After he was calmed down from his tantrum we tested it out. I ignored him (normal tantrum response tactic) and then I would begin to interact with him. As soon as I did, even though he’d been perfectly calm, he began to cry again. So yeah, it’s about gaining attention, specifically mine.
So far we’re working on it by sticking to our guns when it comes to meal times. If Graham hasn’t eaten after a certain period he goes to bed. While this leads to a tantrum, he’s also been more compliant during the tantrum as we go through his bedtime routine.
Another thing I think will help is our new acquisition of a swing for Tessa. She hasn’t been napping much at all and she has spent nearly all day every day in someone’s arms or lap. That certainly doesn’t help Graham, since he has to wait for most things. Now that I can be hands-free, I can more easily and quickly attend to Graham.
I’m not sure how this will play out, but I take comfort knowing that it could be a lot worse. The tantrums aren’t nonstop, they’re getting more manageable even as they occur more often. And there’s still so much positive behavior and progress.
There’s also a lot of adorableness. A few days ago Graham reported to Eric after he woke up in the morning that he chased a dinosaur and touched it and ate it. We assume this is a dream. But he was quite adamant. It wasn’t just the first time he told us about a dream, it was perhaps the longest narrative he’s ever given. He still makes me proud every day.
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Technically I’m home solo all week, but really I’m not transitioned back to real life yet. Last week my friend Kathy came over four out of five weekday afternoons. And next week Eric is off work. So while the day to day is technically real life, I don’t have to do it for the long haul yet.
Still, it’s busy enough to make blogging difficult. I’ve been putting together a bunch of back posts for a series for New Moms, which can be done one-handed while I hold Tesser. But actual posting, full-on two-handed posting, that is harder to come by.
One thing I can do one-handed is take pics with my camera. So while I may not be able to type out a whole story, I can give you some lovely little baby pics. (And toddler pics.)
Our little Tesser is still quite little. You can tell as she still sports some prime Baby Old Man Face.
We had gorgeous weather last week. Grammer wanted to go outside and “play wi friends.” He gave a car in exchange for this pom pom. (The friends were all girls.)
Can you tell he’s gotten better at saying cheese for the camera?
This is where Tess spends most of her day:
She is usually awake, though. I live much of the day with my feet propped up on the table like so. Gives my arms a break for more serious fussiness.
Of course, when Kathy was here, Tessa was in the lap of luxury.
I kinda sorta forgot about that whole tummy time thing until Tessa’s 4-week appointment. So we’ve just pulled out Graham’s old playmat. The Bug had to get in on the action.
It’s unfortunate that our transition with the new baby overlaps with Graham’s tendency to skip his nap. In an effort to get him to sleep, I brought him into bed with Tessa and I. It was supremely adorable.
The Bug enjoys snack time at playgroup. It’s like watching a baby business lunch.
Today the weather was cold again. Before we headed out for playgroup, Tessa got all bundled up.
That’s all I’ve got for now, but I’ll be sure to keep snapping away when I can.
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Let’s not ignore a certain Bug with all the new baby excitement.
A certain Bug turns 3 this summer, which means he officially moves out of Early Intervention and into the black hole of SCHOOL.
We are in the boundaries of the behemoth that is Boston Public Schools. They have a lottery system here when it comes to placement. But we aren’t having anything to do with that. Instead we get to have an IEP.
Yes, Graham will be officially classified as Special Needs by the school district. Which makes me realize that I can never make short bus jokes again. (And neither are the rest of you. And we all need to take a few minutes to feel bad at the very very frequent short bus jokes we made when we were teenagers.)
Anyway.
We are hoping to get Graham into a preschool classroom with some special needs kids and some regular kids. I think he’ll rise to the challenge. But first, we have to go through a slew of evals.
Evals are nothing new for us. Sure, we haven’t had any significant evaluations since Graham’s diagnosis last year, but you don’t really forget this stuff. I know it must seem hard for most people to watch their kid get tested. I would imagine you get nervous and anxious about how they’ll perform.
I’ve never felt that. I’ve always known pretty well what Graham’s capable of and mostly I want to make sure that he performs adequately. I don’t care if he gets things wrong. I do enjoy seeing him succeed at something I didn’t expect. Graham is pretty good at tests, in that he’s able to do what he’s capable of doing when he’s asked to do it. So I just sit back and let it happen.
The Bug had his first eval on Monday, the one for cognitive development. We currently have a speech eval scheduled in a couple weeks. And there’s a childhood development eval in a couple weeks, too, where the observer is going to come with us to playgroup. He recently took a speech articulation test and came out average for his age. (Hooray!) I’m not sure what else the speech eval will entail. There’s also supposed to be an ABA eval. This is, from everything I’ve heard, the hardest one to get scheduled.
There are rules with this IEP stuff. You have to get all the evals set up and scheduled within a certain time period. (I haven’t been paying attention, what with all the having a baby stuff, but from looking just now it appears they will not be completed in time. Surprise, surprise.) Then there’s a meeting to determine what services will be provided.
I have heard a lot of stories from parents about IEPs. And they’re mostly horror stories.
Our Developmental Pediatrician winced when he heard we’d moved from our old school district into this one.
And while moving to get ourselves into a better district might be something we *could* do, there’s just no way. There is no way we’re moving AGAIN so soon. I like our neighborhood and our apartment. I hate finding a new place. Our options are limited due to Eric’s work and our tiny budget, so it’s not like we can just go anywhere. It’s just NOT happening.
Yes, I know it is Graham’s EDUCATION it is IMPORTANT and STUFF.
But it’s also PRESCHOOL. They don’t even have grades in preschool. (Right?)
And hopefully Graham will still be able to get ABA through our insurance after he ages out of Early Intervention.
And hopefully Graham will get into a good classroom that’s a good fit.
And hopefully we can navigate our way through this whole IEP thing without me having to pull out my big I’m-a-lawyer-don’t-mess-with-me guns. (Because those are some serious guns.)
Join me in being optimistic.
Or leave me a comment about how I’m deluded and that I should start harassing the school district and give me all your fancy IEP tips.
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The gradual journey to me handling two kids on my own continues. Eric is back at work this week, but my mother-in-law is here for the week, too. So I’m not completely on my own until next week. And next week I plan to bring in daily reinforcements to give me a little nap time should I need it.
It’s not so much that I feel incapable of taking care of two kids. I’m already learning how to juggle both Graham and Tessa. It can get a little dicey when I’m feeding the baby and Graham is in need of something, but he’s doing well at waiting so far.
What’s really an issue is sleep. Partly that I’m not getting enough of it. And partly that Tessa is still being difficult about it. I’d hoped we’d have her transitioned to something besides ourselves by now, but it hasn’t happened. Our nights right now are split. Eric takes her for the first half and I take her for the second half. Eric puts her in the Mei Tai and can manage to lay down on his back with her on his chest and sleep. The Mei Tai keeps her from rolling off and so I don’t have to wake up every little while out of mommy anxiety to check on her.
I take her into the twin bed in Graham’s room, which has a very firm (I’d say more like hard) mattress from Ikea. We’ve found a good position where I lay on my side, Tessa is swaddled and lays parallel to me up with her head against my stomach. That way I can move my arms without worrying about smushing her. As long as she’s swaddled she won’t twitch herself awake (we tried unswaddled and it didn’t work so hot).
When she’s up for sleeping all’s well. But lately she gives either Eric or me or both of us a hard time. She’ll fuss, or just sit there wide awake. At the handoff for the last several days I’ll feed her, change her and swaddle her only to have her insist on eating again 20 minutes after she’s finished. Sometimes we repeat this cycle a few times. When I spend over an hour up with her getting her fed over and over, it can be tricky to get back to sleep.
And there’s no guarantee that she’ll be up for sleeping once we lay down.
How I long to just set her down in the bassinet and have her sleep.
She will sleep for small periods of time in the napper in her PacknPlay. But no success otherwise. I think we’re going to try and find the bouncer (it’s in a box somewhere) and give it a try. I remember Graham slept in it for a few weeks and wouldn’t sleep in anything else.
These bumpy nights mean that when it’s time to get Graham up at 7:30, I’m not really ready to go. Yesterday Tessa woke up at 6:30 which gave me time to feed her before the Bug got up. But today she woke up just a couple minutes before my alarm, so while I got Graham out of bed, changed and dressed, we had to listen to Tessa cry the whole time. And luckily Eric hadn’t left for work yet so I could send Graham downstairs to wait for therapy while I fed Tessa.
I know I’m lucky, since it’s generally just the start and end of therapy sessions (of which we usually have two a day) when Graham needs help. I could be a normal parent whose toddler needs constant attention. So I do appreciate the simplicity of my situation. Still, even though Graham is pretty patient so far, given that Tessa is an astonishingly slow and lazy eater, things can get a little dicey.
I feel like I can handle two kids. What I don’t feel like I can handle is a kid and a newborn. Especially a newborn who always wants to be held and who eats slowly.
(Oh, and let’s not talk about the house. That is a whole other issue.)
I’d love to hear how the rest of you have handled this. (Especially if you have MORE than two kids. What on EARTH do you DO??)
I feel a little better after talking to my Mom, who raised 4 kids. She told me stories of dealing with us as babies that surprised me. Because I can’t remember my Mom ever not having a handle on things. If the Master Baby Whisperer got flustered, surely I’ll get flustered.
Over the weekend I worked on a new skill: feeding Tessa using my new breastfeeding pillow and nursing cover. The cover is necessary as I spend 3 to 7 hours a day sitting in on Graham’s therapy. There are 5 different people who come over and since none of them have kids and two of them are male, I would really rather not make them uncomfortable by whipping out my boob all the time. And I can’t just disappear upstairs for 45 minutes. (Seriously this kid is SLOW.) Separately, the pillow and cover are easy to use, but with both the cover doesn’t quite drape right and I have to keep pulling my arms in and out from under the cover to get Tessa correctly positioned. It is a bit tricky but I have it in hand enough that I can feed her with people around. Triumph.
I have to say, the best thing about having extra bodies around is that I can leave the house. I had a massage over at Isis on Sunday and had time to shop a little afterwards. Yesterday I was able to fill in at the last minute for a dinner with my buddies at Boston Brunchers. I got to take both expeditions without any kids. Yesterday morning I took Graham to his Cognitive Eval for his IEP without having to keep Tessa happy the whole time. On Thursday I can take Tessa to her 4 week checkup without having to pull Graham out of therapy. I will miss the ability to do these things. Tessa will be along for the ride for Graham’s Speech Eval in 2 weeks and Graham will come with us to Tessa’s 2 month appointment. And BOTH of them will be there for my 6-week postpartum checkup. Fun times.
After this week I’ll be back to having to find a babysitter if I want to visit my psychiatrist or finally take that trip to the dentist. I’m back to missing all the weekday blogger events. And any other things that I want to do on my own will probably be saved for the weekend. Not that weekends are wide open. Eric usually has to work at least one day each weekend, so no day is really a sure thing.
It all looms ahead. And it’s just a little terrifying.
In fact, the only reason I’m not feeling overwhelmed is that getting Tessa to sleep is by far the #1 priority. I feel like I could be capable of anything if I could get two 3-hour stretches in a night. Double diaper changes, double feedings, and double crying fits are surely manageable if I have some more sleep. (And some coffee.)
How are you new Moms of Two managing? And do you experienced Moms of Many have any tips for us?
This post is part of my New Moms Series. See all posts here.
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So I’m breastfeeding.
It’s weird.
With Graham, who had every possible mouth malformation, breastfeeding never actually happened. Sure, we spent hours with nurses and lactation consultants. I tried to feed him several times every day for weeks. But he never actually did it. There was a lot of feeding and pumping and feeding and cleaning and misery for those weeks. It took me a long time to decide that it wasn’t going to work out and to give myself a break from the pressure and stress.
So Graham was a formula baby. I made my peace with it. In fact, I felt good about it. I’d done more than I could’ve been expected to do. It wasn’t going to work and I missed out on weeks of enjoying my baby because of the work and pain of feeding him.
It was a really defining experience, especially since there’s a strong pro-breastfeeding contingent that finds formula feeding to be completely unacceptable. I knew the facts. I could defend my position. And I talked to a lot of other women struggling with similar problems. What it comes down to, I told people, was finding what works best for you and your baby. You want your baby to be fed. You want to keep yourself healthy and sane. Do what you need to do.
Graham with a bottle
While waiting for Tessa I decided I would give breastfeeding the old college try. I knew what Graham’s problems had been and I’d be prepared to see if she had any of the same issues. If all went well we could save money by not having to buy formula. And if things were difficult I’d give it a few weeks and some lactation help and then let it go if it wasn’t working out.
But Tessa latched within a few hours of birth. I admit, I was surprised.
Not that it was easygoing. There were plenty of flashbacks to my time with tiny Graham, trying over and over to get him on.
The first day I felt overconfident after we had several good feedings in a row.
The second day things didn’t go so hot. I was exhausted beyond measure and Tessa wasn’t cooperating. We supplemented with formula. I know there are plenty of people who wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing but I stuck to my plan. Keep the baby fed, keep myself sane.
We saw the hospital lactation consultant and it helped a lot to have her talking me through it. Tessa went from a screaming mess to a coma patient in minutes and I couldn’t manage to figure out how to get her to eat. The LC assured me that while Tessa was going through that initial period of weight loss, she was both impatient and trying to conserve her resources. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, this was just how she was.
It helped that I started to remember the different holds. I remembered the way lactation consultants tend to divebomb the baby’s head towards you in a way that always freaked me out with Graham. (Now I am an expert divebomber.)
Days passed and the cycles of confidence and insecurity continued. Three good feedings in a row would be undone by my frustration after one bad feeding. During that time I got a lot of advice from Nancy over at Isis, including the reminder that the baby has several feedings a day, so it’s okay if some of them don’t work out.
I kept my breast pump handy. For a few straight feedings I only pumped on one side to relieve nipple pain. We used syringes of breast milk to “prime” Tessa those first few days. If she was particularly angry, it would calm her down enough to help a regular feeding start.
Oh, and did I mention the razor sharp pain of that first week? It helped to have all the support, since I left the hospital with hydrogels, breast shells, a handful of lanolin samples and a prescription for ointment. (If you haven’t tried the hydrogels I highly recommend them. The shells helped somewhat, but with my massive letdown right now they tend to make a mess.)
Tessa in a milk coma
Honestly, I don’t really understand why the first days of breastfeeding are so difficult. I don’t really understand how it works in an evolutionary sense. But after leaving the hospital I was able to handle the feedings myself, even if they didn’t work.
Now, nearly two weeks out, I haven’t used my breast pump in several days but I still keep it handy just in case. I’m not in serious pain anymore, though I still have a bit of an “ouch” when she starts to eat. I’ve fed her in two public bathrooms and one mother’s room. I got a backrest for my side of the bed so I have something to lean on. I’m still not comfortable enough to feed her in public or during therapy. I don’t have a lot of nursing tops (meaning I have 2 “nursing” tank tops that I don’t really use because the openings are too small for me as of now) so mostly I’m stripping down when I feed her and I’m not sure everyone would appreciate that. I’m looking forward to Tessa having a better hang of things and me getting used to all of it so we don’t have to retreat into hiding.
(Speaking of which… do you guys USE nursing tops? Are there any in particular you recommend?)
Anyway. The point of all this is to say that I have this weird feeling now. I’ve been standing up for moms who don’t breastfeed for a long time. And now I am breastfeeding. I am happy about it. (Though I miss being able to pass the baby off for a feeding.)
Still, I don’t feel like more of a mother or more of a woman because I breastfeed. I don’t feel a stronger connection to Tessa than I did to Graham. They are both my babies. I’ve fed them both. I held them both close to me. The only difference is that I didn’t have to struggle with Tessa as much as I did with Graham, which had a lot more to do with the fact that she’s the second baby and gets the benefit of my experience.
If anything, it’s all reminded me that it’s not an issue of breastfeeding or not. It’s about finding your way through the best you can and not telling anyone there’s only one right way. Breastfeeding has been a struggle for me. Not breastfeeding was a battle. But at least with both I found peace of mind.
This post is part of my New Moms Series. See all posts here.
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The first thing everyone wants to know after they ask us if we’ve slept (answer: no) is how the Bug is adjusting to having a new baby in the house. Despite our preparations, we had no idea how Graham would react.
There’s something about the role of big brother that gets a parent all mushy inside. I’m always looking after my Bug, the thought of him looking after someone else in his little boy way is crushingly sweet. Eric and I were talking about how strange it is now to have Graham and Tessa in the same room. With Graham we see a little boy with a personality, with Tessa we see mostly just potential. But knowing that they have a lifetime of sibling-hood ahead of them makes us really happy.
So far Graham is managing surprisingly well. We’re lucky that he still has therapy going 5 days a week so his schedule is staying normal and he has plenty of adult play and interaction. He’s been noticeably hyper, lots of running back and forth around the house, and a couple of extra tantrums. Those are the only real changes. If anything, his day is extra nicely regimented since my mom is handling most of his time. (She is also keeping the house running. I am hoping no one gets too used to it because she makes me look bad in comparison.)
Otherwise, he’s in a good mood, always excited, and with his Mom, Dad and his Grandma in the house, and with therapists coming in and out, he’s always got someone to say hello to.
When Graham came to see Tessa in the hospital he didn’t seem too interested. He saw the baby. He identified her as the baby. And then he played with the trucks Kathy got him.
Since we brought Tessa home, he’s been interested in her much like he would be had we brought home a cat. He always points her out in a room. He comes up to her and looks at what she’s doing. He describes all her actions. (Mostly that she’s awake, asleep or making a noise.)
So far he’s not interested in touching her (same as with a cat) but he enjoys it when she’s around. He calls her by name. He shows no signs of jealousy that Eric and I spend so much time holding her. Basically, it’s going about as well as we could have hoped.
The thing that kills me is that he fishes out his old baby toys and sets them down on top of her when she’s all swaddled up and being held. Graham’s been going to playgroups for a while now, and while he’s not so possessive that he takes toys away from other children, he has never given a toy to another child. He’s happy to show his toys to his therapists but he doesn’t exactly give them away. It’s the first I’ve seen of this kind of behavior, and the fact that he gives her baby toys specifically is just too cute to handle.
So yeah. So far so good. Our brother/sister team are happy with each other. At least, Tessa seems to be happy. She opens her eyes sometimes and looks at Graham. He squeals happily. I know it probably won’t always be this cute. But for now I’ll take it.
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Jess is a procrastinator, a former working mom who is suddenly staying at home, a Dr-Dr's wife, a non-practicing lawyer, an Autism Mom, a devoted reader, a penny pincher, a coupon clipper, a new New England-er, a low-key agnostic, a nice girl, a top-notch speller, a hardcore blogger and a Twitter fiend.
The blog covers everything from coupon tips to Autism support to adorable toddler pictures to hilarious tales of my daily grind with the occasional review & giveaway thrown in for good measure.
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