The Seversons

If Graham committed some kind of crime and we had to give his description to the police for the wanted poster, it would be something like this.

Very cute and chunky.  He was 14 pounds 10 ounces last week at the pediatrician.  (Btw, this is your Halloween picture.  We don’t really do dressing up here.)

Can usually be found playing with his favorite toy: a burp cloth.

Has a mullett.  (He has had it since birth.)

Sounds like a howler monkey, or perhaps a velociraptor.  And that’s when he’s happy.

I mentioned in my last post that this week we’ve started our bedtime routine to help Graham get on a regular sleep schedule.  At first it was a little bumpy, then it seemed like everything was coming together.  On two different occasions I laid Graham down while he was very drowsy, then watched him fall asleep in the crib.  It was awesome.

But it seems that he’s on to us.  The idea is to get him to be able to fall asleep in his crib on a regular basis, instead of falling asleep while he eats or while we’re holding him, which he vastly prefers.  If we do this enough he’s supposed to catch on, and he has.  But he doesn’t like our plan.

I just attempted to put Graham down for his late afternoon nap.  (He takes several naps, most of them very short.)  I say attempted because he never actually napped.  The process started about 20 minutes to 4, we went into his room, turned out the light, walked him around and sang and shushed, then laid him down.  At this point, he woke up enough to start crying and the process had to begin again.  If you work it right, you can get him down when he’s either too asleep to notice (which kind of defeats the whole purpose of the bedtime routine) or when he’s not fussy enough to get upset about it.  It’s not that unusual for it to take a couple tries.

But this time it was more than a couple tries.  I lost count at around 7 or so.  Every time I put him down he was right back up.  I tried doing it slowly and quickly, I tried holding him different ways.  I tried keeping him down for a while after he woke up and cried, but he just kept crying more and waking himself up.  He was so tired that every time I’d pick him back up he’d be asleep again within seconds, you’d think it’d be easy, but being that tired also makes him really cranky.

It eventually felt like it was turning into a game of Survivor; you know their slogan: outwit, outplay, outlast.  That pretty much describes the battle of wills at our last naptime.  I stuck with it for a long time and thought I had him down a couple of times, but he kept getting up again.  I admit, he broke me, I was willing to stick him in the bouncer instead of the crib if it would’ve worked (it didn’t).

Finally, it had been going so long (it was now 4:30) that it was time to feed him, and I’d spent more time trying to get him to nap than he spends actually napping.  And after I fed him, he had his normal post-nap baby act, with all the smiles and wide eyes.  He’s an impressive competitor, I give him that.  Robbing me of a few calm baby-less minutes is a particularly smart move.

Having a smart baby has its advantages and all, it’s fun to watch them learn.  But this baby may be a bit too smart for his own good.

On Friday Graham turned 3 months old.  To celebrate, I started a tradition:

The Nugget with a Nugget.  Yes, we ate McNuggets.  I know many of you are probably thinking that it’s a disgusting tradition, but I am sentimental.  Not only did we call him Nugget from the time he was smaller than the nugget shown above, but since the hospital cafeteria was closed when I was in for my delivery, the last meal I ate before Graham was born was McNuggets from the McDonalds which was conveniently still open.  So I see it as sweet.

And if you are thinking that it is creepy and almost cannibalistic of us to eat the very thing we nicknamed the baby for, you obviously haven’t met my parents who have called me Goose in similar pre-natal fashion and happily devour a goose every Christmas.  (Christmas day is very confusing for me.)  Anyway, I am thinking we can institute this as a regular tradition.  For now, he just looks at the nugget.  Maybe some day he can have one bite.  He doesn’t seem that excited about it yet.

Now that he has reached three months we must do what the books tell us to do.  The books that tell you what to do with a baby, they run your life.  They are written (mostly) by doctors who are (mostly) knowledgeable and (mostly) sane.  (You learn to avoid the ones who aren’t doctors, aren’t knowledgeable, and aren’t sane.)  The books that we’re currently following are telling us to train Graham in good sleep habits and we are doing our best.

One thing we have been successful at thus far (all two days) is the bedtime routine.  There is a bath, there is a bottle, there is a book, and then there is bed.  (Our book of choice right now is Mouse Paint, which is big and bright and simple.  He will stare at the pictures as we read.  It was a gift from Hannah, and we are very grateful for it.  Any other books that work for little babies you all know of?)  The routine is highly encouraged so that eventually he will get the idea.  They are also telling us to set him down before he goes to sleep and not let him fall asleep while we are holding him.  To this I say, “Ha!”  They obviously have not met our baby, whose ability to shriek is always reaching new heights and whose most hated thing in the world is his crib.  If we lay him down while he is still awake, even if he’s drowsy and nodding off, he will immediately wake up and express his displeasure.  We are not allowed to let him cry it out yet (I’m not looking forward to that, let me tell you) so for now I am compromising by at least staying in his room with the lights out while I hold him and rock him and sing until he’s asleep enough to stay asleep in the crib.

My song choices are not exactly lullabies.  I figure if I’m going to sing, I will sing songs that I like.  I tend to do the same ones in close to the same order.  We always start with Sweet Baby James, then we go to Bridge Over Troubled Water, and from there we may switch it up and do Little Green.  We may double up the Simon & Garfunkel with American Tune (which is super depressing but it’s not like he knows the words, right?) and double up the Joni Mitchell with River.  I should probably add a few more songs to my baby repertoire, since some nights it takes a lot of singing to get the job done.

Tonight and last night and the night before he got back up after a half hour on the dot and we tried our best to keep him in his crib.  When this didn’t work we just kept him in his room and went back to the walking and rocking and singing until he calmed down.  I think I cycled through all my material last night, some more than once.  (Any other suggestions?)

When it comes to Graham and sleeping, we have a deep, dark secret.  For the last month, Graham has slept at least 8 hours a night.  Usually more.  A couple of times he’s had an early morning, but no matter when he wakes up he always goes back to sleep within 90 minutes for what is usually a long nap.  Last night he slept for 12 hours.  I kid you not.  But now that we’re starting up our sleep routine (to try and get him in bed at 10 instead of 2 a.m.) I’m starting to keep track of his daytime sleep.  For the last couple of days he hasn’t taken a nap longer than 40 minutes.  Every now and then he’ll nap for 3 hours, but not with any regularity.  I am not even trying to get a nap routine going because he’s way too sporadic right now.  One step at a time.

We will be making yet another call to the pediatrician tomorrow.  Our last potential solution was unsuccessful and dealing with an inconsolable baby every couple or hours wears you down.  This kid can work himself into a frenzy within seconds for no apparent reason.  We are hoping for some help, but I’m well aware that it could just be his temperament.  Imagine, Eric and I having a high-strung baby.  Inconceivable, right?

Other noteworthy achievements: Graham is starting to grab and hang on to toys.  Mostly this little puppy.

He is also getting to go on rides in his new running stroller.  Since it’s been a little chilly here he’s all bundled up:

Don’t worry, when it’s cold that visor on top flips down in front of him like a shield so he doesn’t get whipped by wind.

As for me, I think I may have mastered one of my sister Sarah’s great talents: the digital camera self-portrait.  To get Graham in the picture, and to make sure I drop neither the baby nor the camera, he is chilling in his carrier.

You didn’t know I was a teenage mother, did you?  I swear I turn 30 in a matter of weeks.  Now that is another milestone all together.  Celebrating will require much more than McNuggets.

Dear Weather dot com,

According to you, it is not raining in Atlanta nor will it be raining in Atlanta for the rest of the day.  Based on this information and the live radar map which showed no rain, I packed up my just-awake baby in his little baby sweat suit, put him in his carseat, and headed outside to go for a walk.  That would have been great except that it was raining.

I know you are big fancy meteorologists, but do you not realize that a drizzle or light rain is still rain and should be classified as such?  You get just as wet if you take a nice long walk in it.  Thanks to you, I had to go back inside with the baby who was now seriously PISSED that he was in his carseat.  So pissed that it took a half an hour to calm him down.  You suck.

Dear Evenflo,

I greatly appreciate that you make reasonably priced bottles.  And it’s very nice of you to make nipples that accompany these bottles.  You are practically the only people out there who make nipples that aren’t wide-based.  And my baby cannot use wide-based nipples for the same reason that he could not breastfeed.  However, the nipples that you make and sell at such reasonable prices do not actually work.

When I am calming down a seriously PISSED baby by giving him a bottle, it really doesn’t help his temperament or my patience when he sucks in vain and then screams even louder.  This keeps on happening every time I buy a batch of new nipples and every time I forget to set aside a nipple that didn’t work and it gets thrown back in with the rest.  Is this part of some evil plan to make me buy more nipples?  If so, it’s working quite well because all the other obnoxious bottle-making companies make nipples that won’t fit on your bottles and vice versa.  I hate all of them even more than I hate you, but I would actually really like you if your nipples actually worked.

Dear Graham,

When you are seriously PISSED during a feeding it actually makes things worse.  Calm down, please.  Oh, and also, I know that having baby gas is no fun, but it might not be so bad if you didn’t freak out every time I try to burp you.  I know you are very serious about your food, which I totally get, but maybe you should just take it down a notch.

Love,

Mama

The problem with mothers who blog is that they tend to be selective.  I can understand this.  The world of parenting can be quite competitive and everyone wants their kid to be the best.  Well, I am not afraid to publicly disparage my infant online.  Let all the other mothers feel superior, I do not care.  One note: I am rather behind on picture posting.  And while I may write about my fussy baby, I do not take pictures of him.  I only take pictures of the smiley little guy who still makes the occasional appearance every couple of hours.  Voila:

Graham was once the Fussmaster General.  Eric and I joked that it wasn’t just a hollow title, but in fact a serious policy-making position.  However, Graham seems to have loftier political aspirations.  Instead of being a part of the household who occasionally is in need of assistance, he cannot just be the off-and-on squeaky wheel.  He has morphed into a dictator who governs all and whose rule is  often irrational.  If there were a Nobel prize for Fussiness and Tyranny, Graham would win.  Some may claim it is premature and not yet deserved for a ruler whose term has just begun, but I would certainly be hard pressed to find a better candidate.

There are few things that can appease him lately.  He likes watching the lights on the screensaver on the tv, he likes his playmat, he likes his mobile.  He likes all these things, but only for a limited period of time.  And he doesn’t like them all the time; only when he is specifically in the mood for that particular thing.  Mostly he likes being held while one walks him around the room, preferably with a little bit of bouncing.  If he is upset, the routine usually consists of checking to make sure he’s been fed recently, set him down in his bouncer to watch the lights, pick him up two seconds later, walk him around, set him in the crib to watch the mobile, pick him up two minutes later, walk him around, change his diaper, walk him around, lay him on the playmat, pick him up thirty seconds later, etc.

We have just put him down for the night after a particularly rough day.  I say ‘we’ because it was a two-person job.  Eric went to bed a couple hours ago, but I woke him after my back could no longer take the strain.  (This is one of the major downsides of having a chunky baby.)  He was my closer after I fought my way through several fussy innings of the day.  I am hoping Graham is actually down and not taking one of his really nasty little catnaps where he passes out like he’s been sedated but is up within a couple minutes of being laid down.

The weekend was better, but still not great.  Graham is no longer a reliable traveling companion.  He used to be relatively okay in his carseat.  We took him to the movies twice and there was hardly a peep from the kid.  But now while I run errands he demands to be taken out of the car seat.  This has its problems as one cannot push a cart, hold a baby, and get groceries simultaneously.  (At least not me, and not this baby, whose head control is still a bit wobbly.)  He will often calm down when he’s pushed in his stroller, but it seems to have lost its thrill.  He was also good in the car as long as everything was moving.  But this weekend Eric and I took a jaunt out to pick up some baby things we got thanks to craig and his list, but Graham made his anger known pretty much the whole way home.  All the old tricks no longer work.

As for the causes, we don’t think it’s colic.  Colic would be going away around now instead of flaring up and it doesn’t happen at the right time for the right length of time.  We do suspect that reflux is involved.  We recently changed his formula to help with the reflux and it worked well for a few days but has worked less well.  The last couple days his spit-up is back at high levels and is pretty constant most of the day.  I’m also worried that since he’s on the thicker formula it’s possibly giving him some constipation, too.

This dictator is powerful, but we are a strong people and we will not be enslaved.  Tomorrow I will call the pediatrician and see where we go from here.  The increased spit-up along with the increased fussiness is enough that we think it’s medical more than just a temperament thing.  I realized it’s been nearly a month that he’s been so irritable and he’s only been alive for three months (almost) so it’s a pretty significant stretch.  He is just starting to get more interactive with the world and it would be nice to spend more time playing than soothing.  Hopefully we will stage a peaceful coup and kick this dictator down to a lowly, more appropriate position in our little microcosm.

Graham has been smiling for a while now but it’s been impossible to put on film.  I hear that my nephew poses whenever the camera comes out, but Graham does the opposite.  Once that little light flashes he tends to adopt the exact same expression.  It’s a cute expression, but I’ve really wanted to get him smiling on camera.

It’s been an even more difficult quest for the last two weeks.  After his two month checkup he had a couple days of fussiness from his shots.  But then it didn’t seem to go away.  We think some of it is reflux and we’ve changed his formula and seen good results.  But he still has times where he just isn’t happy and those times are a lot more prevalent than they were a month ago when he was such a mellow baby.

These days if you are with Graham for a period of time you must hold him.  And not just hold him, but hold him while you are standing up.  And not just stand up, but walk around.  And if you just kind of walk in place he’ll know.  I’m not sure why walking is so important to him, but believe me, it is very important to him.  I have a mei tai carrier just for this purpose and it does help a lot, but there’s only so much walking in circles one can do before one goes a bit crazy.

Fortunately there’s been a lot of help around the house in the last couple weeks.  We’ve had both grandmas in to get some quality baby time while Eric and I had some quality errand running time and some quality anniversary celebrating time.  Not that we needed to ask, you have to pry this baby away from his grandmas.

Anyway, our little chunk (and he is such a delightfully roly poly little round ball of chunk these days–12 pounds 5 ounces at his 2 month checkup) may have his difficult periods, but he also smiles a lot.  Right now he is in his bouncer talking to me after a particularly smiley period where I thought I might pull out the camera and see if I could finally get a smile on tape.  And, as the title of the post indicates, it finally happened.  It’s a good thing you can edit these videos or else you’d have to watch all the time waiting for him to smile, but I’ve cut to the good stuff, or at least about 5-10 seconds before the good stuff.

You will also observe not just a multitude of smiles and a few coos, but you’ll also see his new trick: sticking his entire fists in his mouth.  Not really his entire fists, but as much as he can cram in there at a time.  He is a big fan.  I’m very pleased with his performance, pleased enough to forgive him all that walking in circles.

By the way, I think I’ve settled on vimeo as our video player.  Let me know if any of you have problems seeing it.

Just a quick note before I dive in.  I think the decision to breastfeed or formula feed is a personal one and no one’s business but your own.  But I know how crazy the last couple of months were for me and I thought maybe posting about it might help someone out as they were googling, or maybe help some of my readers who are finding themselves in a similar situation.  It will be pretty heavy on details so for those who find the topic uninteresting, you may want to skip this one.

So, as the title suggests, we are no longer breastfeeding.  We aren’t even pumping.  We’ve been having problems all along.  From the day Graham was born he wouldn’t latch.  I spent hours in the middle of the night with a patient nurse trying to get him on, I spent hours with lactation consultants before and after we left the hospital.  I pumped from the very beginning and for a while it looked like things might work out.  Graham did a lot better when we used a nipple shield and we were able to breastfeed for every feeding, even if he only got a small amount.  We supplemented with a bottle and I pumped to get him as much breast milk as possible.

Graham was the major problem those first weeks.  But I’m not sure I was helping much.  I now suspect that my supply was pretty low from the very beginning.  I don’t know if it’s because Graham didn’t latch well and the pump wasn’t a good enough replacement.  But I do know that even when my milk came in, I only spent the first couple of days feeling really engorged.  It never happened again.  Then there was the mastitis, which left my left side permanently depleted.  The amount I was able to pump decreased substantially with only one side really working.  And then a few weeks ago everything just dropped.  After the mastitis I was pumping 7 ounces on average per day, which was enough for a couple of feedings.  But then it dropped to 2 ounces per day, which isn’t enough for even a single feeding.  And that 2 ounces required multiple pumping sessions per day, all of them only manageable when I could set the baby down long enough to do it.

I spent a long time trying to pinpoint what I’d done wrong.  Maybe I hadn’t pumped often enough.  Maybe I hadn’t tried to breastfeed him often enough.  Maybe there was something about how I was breastfeeding him or how many minutes I pumped.  Maybe the pump I bought wasn’t as good as the one I rented from the hospital.  I bought accessories when I decided the flanges were the wrong size. I kept saying over and over again that I’d give it one more week of really trying.

Then one day I decided I was done.  My supply hadn’t gone up after waiting for weeks and there was no sign that it would.  The new flanges increased the amount I pumped, but it wasn’t enough of a change to give me even an extra ounce a day.  When it came down to it, I was miserable.  And not just because I spent so much of my day on feeding the baby.  I was miserable because somehow breastfeeding taps into some little part of your brain that has all your self worth.

And then there’s the parenting world, which is going to spend as much effort as it can reminding you that breast is best so that every coupon in the mail and every magazine and every visit to the pediatrician you’re reminded of just how much you’re failing.

Honestly, finally making the decision that I was finished trying and I was going to bottlefeed the baby made the biggest difference in my mood for all those weeks.  I didn’t have to think about it anymore or worry about it anymore.  I didn’t have to wonder if I’d done the right thing.  Making the decision was surprisingly freeing.  I knew I was losing some potential benefits to myself and Graham, but I did my share of reading and I know that there’s not a whole lot we actually know about breastfeeding and how much good it does.  I was not dooming him to a low IQ or stunted emotional development.  It’s also pretty notable that my body adjusted immediately.  My milk production was so low that I had none of the normal problems I’d read about and prepared for.  I stopped pumping cold turkey with no pain at all.

Now that it’s done, not only am I more at ease, but we’ve finally developed a comfortable routine.  The thing I dislike most is the expense–formula is not cheap and he goes through it amazingly fast.  But there are plenty of benefits.  I can feed him in public without worrying about someone calling the cops.  Anyone can feed him, it doesn’t have to be me.  I can keep track of exactly how much he’s eating every day.  Bottles can go through the dishwasher,  you don’t have to boil everything anymore.  We haven’t had a single diaper blowout.  Graham’s gained weight more regularly.  And if someone rings the doorbell while I’m feeding him, like they did this morning, it’s no big deal.  (Except for the moment of baby surprise and disdain when I put the bottle down so we could answer the door.)

I plan to try to breastfeed with the next baby, though I’m already prepared for potential problems and pitfalls.  There were so many this time that I don’t think there’s anything I won’t be ready for.  Next time I probably won’t wait 7 weeks or so before giving up if the same thing happens.  And next time I don’t think I’ll be as concerned and upset.  Hopefully my brain will be able to exert some control over my hormones.  (Oh, I forgot those.  The hormone changes have been great.  No more crying at the drop of a hat.)

I know how nasty people can be about these things.  Every time I put formula in my grocery cart I am all ready with my retort should someone comment on how I really should breastfeed.  And if there’s anything I would hope people take away is that you should never ever tell any mother that she should feed her baby a certain way.  (Unless, of course, she’s trying to give a newborn french fries or something.  Then you should probably speak up.)  I know that having understanding lactation consultants, an understanding pediatrician and understanding family has made a huge difference for me.  I don’t know what I would’ve done without them.

So with all that said I’ll wrap it up.  Me and my chunky baby have things to do and bottles to make.  (Check out the belly on this kid, isn’t it sweet?)