You know who I love right now? Jessica Simpson and Bryce Dallas Howard. They both had babies. And now people are taking pictures of them and saying, “Oh my GOD look how FAT they are!” And I just want to say to those people, “They had babies! Shut up! This is normal! It’s all these other celebrities who lose the babyweight in a month that are weird!” Honestly, every magazine cover that mentions baby weight makes me want to shred it into little pieces.
It’s not that I’m hostile, I just hate how much focus there is on it. After Graham was born I asked people how long I would have to wait before I would lose the weight and when I should worry. They said to give it a year. My reaction was shock. Because magazines said baby weight was easily lost and bikinis were achievable within weeks. I knew magazines lied but a YEAR? It just seemed an awful long time.
This time around I feel better. Sure it’s been 4 months and after a quick early loss I’ve been at about the same consistent place. I was around 175 at the end of my pregnancy. And I’ve been around 153-155 recently. That’s still about 15 pounds to lose before I get to a normal range for me. And 20 before I’ll feel comfortable with it.
I got myself mentally prepared this time. I was going to have a belly and a giant butt and that was just going to be how it was. It was probably going to last for a while.
It’s not like I enjoy how I look right now, but I don’t worry about it so much.
In my head, I look like this:
That’s me from last year.
In reality I look like this:
(No, I’m not showing my hair. It was not a good day. Just because I’m subjecting you to my chub doesn’t mean I have to subject you to my hair.) I don’t look horrible or obese or anything. But I can see it. I can also see that roll on my back above my waist. (On the plus side, I HAVE a waist, which I didn’t have after Graham for ages.) Plus there’s the fact that I can only fit into my super-fat jeans. And that my belly is squishy and thus I must wear a belt or something fitting or else nothing stays in place.
I bought a pair of shorts at Old Navy over the weekend in a size 10, not trying them on but looking them over and thinking, “Sure, these look gigantic enough!” But no. Too tight. They are going back and I’ll have to exchange them for a size 12. I must have some shorts that aren’t maternity shorts.
I also had this idea that I’d find a bunch of floofy breezy shirts for the summer to hide my tum. But it’s much cheaper to buy regular shirts and just find a size that works okay and let the tum just be on display and be okay with it.
Here I am at the Bloggess’s book signing with some buddies and I not only have the tum on display, I am letting it swing off to the left as I lean in even though there is plenty of room in the picture and I could’ve stood up straight. The belly is jiggly. It cannot be helped. And I don’t really care that much.
(Upon seeing that picture, the Bug said “2 Moms!” When asked to identify them, he pointed at me (thankfully) and at The Bloggess. So watch out, Jenny, my son might wander off with you… Although with our glasses on there is kind of a little resemblance that I hadn’t noticed before.)
And I am surprisingly okay with it. Yes, I sometimes see myself in a window and think, “Oh goodness, I need to get it together.” But most of the time I just think, “Meh.” Or I think, “My boobs look awesome.”
The funny thing is that I think I’ve had a lot better body image since I revealed my weight last year. Going back over my history, seeing myself skinny and being okay with it, seeing myself heavier and being okay with it, it all just feels okay now. Even now, I look at the pictures I’ve just posted that I just took today and I think, “You know, I felt crappy when I looked in the mirror but now I wonder what I was so upset about. I look pretty nice. Also, lavender is a good color on me.”
I’m a little more invested in losing the weight because I’m pretty sure Tessa is my last baby. And while it’s already been four months and HOLY CRAP IT’S BEEN FOUR MONTHS there’s still plenty of time to not worry about it. I’m okay with that.