So Long, 2011

I am not usually the wrap-up-the-year type. But 2011 was the year this blog actually came together instead of just being a place for me to post cute pictures of the Bug for friends and family.

The blog was a huge source of comfort for me this year. It started as a safe place for me to talk about my concerns about the Bug before his diagnosis. I took my time about it. I slowly walked around the subject. I’d already been in the thick of worry for 6 weeks before I brought it up on the blog. But once I crossed that threshold it became easier and easier to talk about it. And because of the blog and Twitter I found so much support and community.

Of course, one thing I mentioned only casually on the blog at that time was just how bad I was feeling in general. Not just the autism stuff. No, we’re just talking good, old-fashioned depression. I had a rough time after Graham was born. Not the immediate PPD kind, but around 6 months things were tough. Eric was interviewing for residency, he worked long hours, the Bug seemed to get harder as he got bigger, and I was working out babysitters for my work schedule. In April 2010 or so I started seeing a psychiatrist. At least, I did until we moved in June.

By the time 2011 rolled around it was really important for me to see one again. I’d quit my job. My husband was gone almost all the time with a high-stress job. My child was developmentally delayed. I was living in a new place with no family or friends. It was not pretty.

A year later, I still have that psychiatrist. I got a job, and then left it. My husband is still gone almost all the time with a high-stress job. My child is still autistic. And we ended 2011 on a very very rough patch.

But still… my feelings about my life at the end of 2011 are so much better than they were at the end of 2010.

I know the New Year is kind of this arbitrary time we all sit and reflect. But there’s nothing wrong with reflecting. And when the last couple years have been this crazy, I think it can help. We seem to be heading upwards. And I have little reason to doubt that 2012 will be a better year than 2011. That certainly isn’t how I felt in 2010 or 2009. These last few years have been so overwhelming, so consistently full of change and trouble.

But there’s a bright forecast now. And I owe so much of that to this blog. Having this place to work things through and all of you to work them through with is invaluable. Plus I feel like I’ve been able to make this blog just what I want it to be. It’s never a burden. I never sit there thinking, “Ugh, what am I going to post?”

It’s kind of crazy how optimistic I am. I am kind of in denial about the whole new baby thing. I had a rough go last time. I have no reason to expect things to be different. Maybe it’s silly for me to feel so good about it. But I do. I guess it’s been the theme of this pregnancy. We weren’t planning another baby quite yet. Not that I wasn’t thinking about it. In fact, I wrote my post to the non-existent hypothetical baby after the actual-existing non-hypothetical baby had already been conceived. Whoops!! Just goes to show those pregnancy hormones kick in early and I had big-time baby on the brain. Still, after we recovered from our surprise at learning of the baby’s existence, we’ve been really happy and optimistic about everything.

So I guess it’s not just 2012, a baby on the way kind of stands for hope, doesn’t it? We really needed some hope this summer, halfway through the year, wondering how Graham’s therapy would go, wondering how we’d juggle two jobs and our household. But everything shifted. Our whole perspective just changed. And I feel like that change has penetrated every corner of our lives.

We started heading upward right around the time this baby announced her presence. So I feel like there’s no reason to think we won’t keep going right on up.

Of course, I wanted her to be a mellow, quiet thing. The last couple days she has kicked so hard she makes me gasp. So….. maybe not. But I’ve managed my pregnancy better (not that it’s been easier, per se, but I’m handling it better) and we have the baby girl we wanted and I am so looking forward to the 4 weeks Eric has on paternity leave to just enjoy our little family and all our visiting family.

Maybe 2012 won’t be as great as I hope it will. Maybe I will lose my mind in the craziness of having two children. Maybe I will decide that I want to go back to work, but not be able to find a job. There’s still a lot up in the air.

But I feel good.

And that’s something.

Related Posts:

• Miscellanea
• Looking Into the Depths
• Early Signs of Autism