If I Was a Television Executive

It’s unclear why I’m not running a television network. I watch television. I have excellent taste. Clearly something needs to be done about this. In the hopes of convincing the world of my rightful position, I present to you:

My Personal Plan to Revamp the Shows that are Bugging Me

First let’s go over the shows, their pros and cons.

Photo by ellenm1

1. House. I’ve quit House on 2 or 3 different occasions. But I inevitably come back to it because it’s one of the few shows where Eric and I overlap in taste.

The problems with House are numerous, but boil down to a few critical failures:

• Pretty Girl Syndrome. The hotter the female costar, the less interesting she is.
• Virtually Interchangeable Characters. They’re trying so hard lately to point out the differences between Foreman, Chase and Talb because they’re virtually identical character-wise in every other respect. Boring, shmoring.
• Plotting Rut. Yes, House is formulaic. But they haven’t really tried to take the formula out of the box much lately.

Let me point out a few things House did right in their years of being on the air:

• Have the awesome and cool Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard on board.
• Had 1 amazing and fun season of Survivor-style plotting as he kicked off potential job applicants.
• Strong women: So maybe the main girls are boring (including the perpetually chiding Cuddy) but Candice Bergen has been a great guest star this year. Amber (whom I refer to only as Cutthroat B*tch) was freaking awesome. And Masters (Amber Tamblyn guesting this last season) did a good job of shaking things up. And yet Cameron and 13 are always the one to stick around. Ho hum.

2. Glee. I really loved Glee… for one episode. Since then I feel like they throw themselves all over the place in a desperate attempt to figure out what they are. While it’s fitting that a show about awkward teens should be going through it’s own awkward phase, it’s not great viewing.

The problems:

• Boring musical numbers. They’re overstretching, doing too many, and they’re rarely unique anymore. I know I’m not alone in fastforwarding most of them.
• Bad music production. It wasn’t surprising to me that most of the a cappella Warblers songs were better to listen to than the core group. Their stuff has always sounded like it was attacked by a robot. It would be nice to hear their natural voices.
• Not enough dancing. (aka Not enough Brittany. My favorite dancer ever.)
• Everyone is annoying and unlikable. In that group I include almost everyone except for Brittany, Santana, Kurt and Artie. (I am very sorry, Lea Michele, I loved you LONG before you were on television but I cannot stand Rachel Berry.)

On the pro side:

• There is potential. Every now and then there are flashes of brilliance. And I saw some signs of life in the second half of this season.
• A show with musical numbers can’t be all bad.

3. Castle

The problems with Castle aren’t nearly as extreme or elaborate as some other shows. They’re pretty simple:

• Not Nathan Fillion. There are people on this show who are not Nathan Fillion.

On the plus side:

• Nathan Fillion. I will probably watch any show he’s on. He oozes charm and ruggedly-handsome-ness.

Photo by Walt Stoneburner

There are more shows that belong on this list, but I know you’re DYING to know my secret plan to save these shows.

Are you ready?

1. Secret Plan to Save House: Chase, Foreman, Thirteen, Cuddy and Taub are killed in a tragic accident, they are mourned for 10 seconds. Cuddy’s Mom takes over as the new hospital chief. Masters is re-hired. Cutthroat B*tch is, it turns out, not dead after all.

2. Secret Plan to Save Glee: Nearly everyone is killed in a tragic accident. The lucky survivors (including Brittany!) go to a new school and join a normal glee club. Also, Jesse St. James somehow survives the car accident but is stricken with a strange brain injury which has transformed him into someone fabulously suave and interesting. Also, he cuts his hair. (Have I mentioned I have a slight crush on Jonathan Groff?) I’m undecided on Coach Sylvester and Mr. Shue. I do love it when she makes jokes about his hair…

3. Secret Plan to Save Castle: Everyone is killed in a tragic accident… except for Castle. All the new detectives are played by Nathan Fillion using the wonders of modern technology.

Okay, so my secret plan basically involves suddenly killing a large portion of characters. So what? It would work!

What do YOU think? Which characters do you want tragically (or not so tragically) killed off? (Do not get me started on every man on Grey’s Anatomy. Do they not realize that Derek, Owen and Mark are all the same person and all look oddly similar in their slightly-past-their-prime-floofy-hair-slightly-unshaven way?)

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